A Kraków man has been arrested on suspicion of taking a bribe from his doctor.

Secret video tapes obtained from a waiter working at the surgery show the doctor handing the patient a signed prescription. The audio track reveals the doctor saying: “For god’s sake, there’s nothing wrong with you!”

The patient, whose audio is muffled, then says: “But… internet… symptoms every week.”

The doctor adds: “Every week! You mean you’re going to be here every week? Okay, you’ve got Lupus. [sound of ballpoint pen on paper] take this to the pharmacy. It’ll cure you for sure. But you’re not to come back, got it?”

A waiter at the pharmacy caught the patient on video, handing over the prescription and receiving a 500ml bottle labelled ‘Dobrowianka’.

The audio from the initial encounter at the doctor’s surgery continues for some time after the patient left, but without video. A door can be heard to open and close, then the doctor can be heard to say: “Now, Mr… your medical note. I’m afraid… increase… up to 120 zł. Inflation, you know.”

A group of German citizens could be officially banned from entering Poland following ‘aggressive and humiliating’ behaviour towards another sovereign nation.

The men in question are said to have colluded in insulting Argentina’s national feeling, during the final of the football World Cup tournament. They are further accused of previous  insult, in connection with an incident that involved a group of Brazilian men and what could only be described as a truly efficient drubbing.

According to The Krakowian’s completely unreliable sources, Adam Nawałka, spokesman for Poland’s national football team, urged the Polish government to ban the Germans from entering Poland.

He may or may not have said: “Jesus, we’re not playing that lot. Keep them out. But Klose and Podolski can come. Please?”

Jarosław Kaczyński, somebody or other, added: “Germans! Arghhh!”

Residents of Golgotha have announced that they will hold a ‘picnic of peace and tolerance’ in response to attempts to censor a controversial theatre play in Poland.

The small commune, comprised of a mix of all faiths and none, based just outside Jerusalem, said they were offended by the threat to freedom of expression that violent attempts to ban the play represented. They added that, unlike some protests against the play, their picnic would be entirely peaceful, and they invited public readings of texts, religious or otherwise, at the event.

The leader of the Christian group in the commune, who asked to be named only as ‘Franciszek’, said he had learned through experience that ultra-conservativism was problematic.

He added: “My authoritarian and quick manner of making decisions led me to have serious problems and to be accused of being ultra-conservative… but I have never been a right-winger. It was my authoritarian way of making decisions that created problems.”

The Krakowian can exclusively reveal that a spy with the code name ‘Twardowski’ recorded conversations between government ministers and other high-ranking officials.

Twardowski, believed to have been in hiding on the moon since losing a bet some time ago, eschewed modern covert recording devices to obtain the tapes that currently have Poland’s government in turmoil. Instead, he attached a tiny recorder to a spider, and lowered the creature to earth to eavesdrop on the private conversations.

In the latest tape, Poland’s foreign minister is heard to say that a long-standing friendship is ‘worthless’ and that his family all lack self-esteem.

The minister added: “Arghhh! A spider! Get it off me!”

The Krakowian attempted to contact Pan Twardowski for comment, but his agent said he was currently holidaying in Rome and could not be reached.

Every year, the women of Kraków demonstrate their virtue through the age-old tradition of wearing garlands of flowers in their hair at the midsummer Wianki festival. It is customary for these garlands to be thrown into the river, as part of an ancient pagan ritual.

However, this year one Kraków man aims to break with tradition by personally stealing the garlands from atop the maidens’ heads – in what could be the biggest mass deflowering in the world.

Jan Kogut said his previous best for snatching garlands was 87. A period scrutinising the city’s Montelupich prison from the inside prevented him from attempting to beat his record in recent years – but this time he is aiming to pass the 100 mark.

He added: “It’s a challenge of course, but it is possible. This year, I’d like to attempt a double record, not only by stealing more than 100 garlands, but also by having more consensual sex than I had in Montelupich. They say prison is cushy these days, but you will never really understand the full meaning of the phrase ‘going down for a stretch’ until you’ve been there.”

Tourists now outnumber residents in Kraków, leading to a decision to drop Polish as the official language in the city.

A report that may or may not have been submitted to  Kraków city council said that it was no longer viable for Krakowians to speak, write, or think  in Polish if the city is to continue reaping the benefit of the tourist dollar.

Instead, English will be adopted as Kraków’s official language. A spokesman for the Campaign for the Unification of National Tongues (known as CU  No! – Ed) said the move was going to make him a fortune.

However, despite the fact that many Poles in Kraków speak English fluently, the majority of the people in the city at any one time – such as European visitors  and English stag parties – have only a basic grasp of the vocabulary and grammar. This has resulted in criticism of the new policy from some.

British comedian Mel Smith (deceased)  said: “Not sure this is such a good move. I mean, Polish is difficult, but it Kinda Lingers…”

A member of a Kraków church is planning to sue God, after his news magazine published a recording of a private conversation between herself and her priest.

The woman says that she had a legal right to privacy at her weekly confession, during which she and her priest discussed whether shoplifting might just this once be considered a victimless crime, the road to forgiveness through prayer, and the possibility that Poland’s National Bank might help the current government stay in power in return for a few ministerial sackings.

The tape recording of the conversation was published in Raj Dzisiaj, the weekly news magazine covering heaven and surrounding areas.

A statement from Raj Dzisiaj said that, although the recording was obtained covertly, it was in the public interest to publish.

Speaking exclusively to the Krakowian, Raj Dzisiaj’s editor-in-chief, God, said there were yet more recordings and further disclosures that would be made in the near future.

God said he was sure the recording was accurate, although he would not say who had made it.

He added: “You think this was big news? Just wait until you hear the one about the fornication. It made the good Father’s ears curl.”

As temperatures in Kraków soared above the 30 degrees Celsius mark, the city’s Hejnał players in the tower of the Mariacki were issued with special summer equipment.

Originally designed as the official costume of Poland’s ‘Kraków 2022’ Winter Olympic squad, the all-white outer layer was miraculously adjusted with a wave of city mayor Jacek Majchrowski’s hand, to reflect the sun’s rays. The faux-fur hood lining was subjected to a hard stare from ‘the big M’, and immediately became a special ‘brow-mop’ to absorb sweat.

The traditional brass bugles have been replaced with summer editions, made of ice that had become unexpectedly available as it was no longer needed to chill champagne.

Said Jan Dmuchacz, who served as a Mariacki bugler for 30 years: “It ain’t half hot up there!”