Penitent Accuses God of ‘Wiretap’ in Confessional


A member of a Kraków church is planning to sue God, after his news magazine published a recording of a private conversation between herself and her priest.

The woman says that she had a legal right to privacy at her weekly confession, during which she and her priest discussed whether shoplifting might just this once be considered a victimless crime, the road to forgiveness through prayer, and the possibility that Poland’s National Bank might help the current government stay in power in return for a few ministerial sackings.

The tape recording of the conversation was published in Raj Dzisiaj, the weekly news magazine covering heaven and surrounding areas.

A statement from Raj Dzisiaj said that, although the recording was obtained covertly, it was in the public interest to publish.

Speaking exclusively to the Krakowian, Raj Dzisiaj’s editor-in-chief, God, said there were yet more recordings and further disclosures that would be made in the near future.

God said he was sure the recording was accurate, although he would not say who had made it.

He added: “You think this was big news? Just wait until you hear the one about the fornication. It made the good Father’s ears curl.”


An Open Letter From A Horse on a Balcony


What the hell Poland, can’t a horse just chill on his balcony without the whole country going crazy?

I don’t come round to your place to take photos of you standing on your balcony and post them on Long Facebook.

I suppose you think we all live in fields! It’s that kind of attitude that makes it almost impossible for young, ambitious horses like me to get ahead in this society.

Yeah, I guess you think I should be galloping through a mountain meadow somewhere with a human on my back. You’d like that wouldn’t you. Anti-equinites!

Oh look at me, I like sugar lumps and having my fetlocks brushed. ‘Neigh’ ‘neigh’ ‘whinny‘ ‘whinny.’

You people sicken me.

Mariacki’s Hejnał Players Get New Kit to Tackle Heatwave


As temperatures in Kraków soared above the 30 degrees Celsius mark, the city’s Hejnał players in the tower of the Mariacki were issued with special summer equipment.

Originally designed as the official costume of Poland’s ‘Kraków 2022’ Winter Olympic squad, the all-white outer layer was miraculously adjusted with a wave of city mayor Jacek Majchrowski’s hand, to reflect the sun’s rays. The faux-fur hood lining was subjected to a hard stare from ‘the big M’, and immediately became a special ‘brow-mop’ to absorb sweat.

The traditional brass bugles have been replaced with summer editions, made of ice that had become unexpectedly available as it was no longer needed to chill champagne.

Said Jan Dmuchacz, who served as a Mariacki bugler for 30 years: “It ain’t half hot up there!”

Kaczyński Escapes ‘Hospital’, Invades Russia and Germany – Few Notice


Poland’s opposition leader Jarosław Kaczyński has invaded Russia and Germany, after escaping from the hospital bed that allegedly prevented him from attending Warsaw’s 25th anniversary celebrations of the fall of communism.

Mr Kaczyński’s public relations officer, Joachim Brudziński, said the next savior of the nation had been unable to meet President Bronisław Komorowski, President Barack Obama, and numerous other VIPs, on account of ‘health issues so severe that he had to be hospitalised.’

Mr Brudziński, did not say whether these conditions were mental or physical.

A figure resembling Mr Kaczyński was later reported to have crossed Poland’s borders with both Germany and Russia, simultaneously, in a tank.

He is reported as saying: “Everyone’s watching Warsaw now – they can’t see me. Take that, you bastards.”

Vladimir Putin, Russian mafia boss and owner of half of London, said: “Cor blimey guv, what’s that when it’s at home?”

To which Germany’s Angela Merkel replied: “Looks like a prick – but smaller.”

The rest of the world continued to applaud Poland.

Poland Celebrates 25 Years of Freedom to Complain


Poles will mark the 25th anniversary of the fall of communism on June 4, 2014, with a series of parades complaining about the price of socks, the difficulty in finding proper kaszanka in the shops, and the unpredictability of the weather in June.

Twenty five years ago, such behaviour would have resulted in sharing a vodka with the local ZOMO operative, before accidentally beating oneself unconscious while shaving and meandering along the Wisła in the general direction of the Baltic Sea.

For today’s generation, however, such times are past.

Błogosław Radość, Minister of Happiness, said: “Complain all you like about socks! Kaszanka, I’m right with you, it’s terrible! Um, I mean, it’s terrible trying to find the good stuff. June – I wouldn’t trust it as far as I can throw it.

“Just don’t say anything about the accounts. And if you really want to know what I was doing in the 1980s, we’ll have a chat about it over a vodka. Have you shaved today?”

No polar bears were harmed in the writing of this article.

Krakow To Hold Machete Fashion Week


Capitalising on its reputation as the City of Knives, Krakow is to host an expo of the latest trends in machetes, cleavers and shanks to coincide with the start of the football season.

“No smart young skinhead about town would be seen dead without half a metre of sharpened steel shoved down his trouser leg,” said murderous fashionista Marcin ‘Kosa’ Woźniak.

“It’s a burgeoning market, and the recent lurch to the right in national politics can only be a good thing for Krakow’s hippest young designers of disembowelling implements.”

“The pearlised polymer grip is very à la mode this season, with many of the most chichi young Neo-Nazis opting for a lighter stabbing point and rakish knuckle-dusters.”

Majchrowski To Host Olympics At His House


Smarting from defeat in the referendum on bidding for the Winter Olympics in Krakow, the city’s mayor is planning to host the 2022 games in his backyard.

At an impromptu press conference shouted from the roof of the town hall, Mr Majchrowski said: “Right you lot. Don’t want the Olympics? Screw you then! I’m having them at my house… and you can’t come!”

(Enough Olympics stuff, Ed)